i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
