I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My liver is preforming stress tests.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
