if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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