Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I pour the whiskey from now on
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
