After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
