if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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