I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
