Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
