I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
