So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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