i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
