remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
