...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
