I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
