he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
