nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
