I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
