I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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