I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
