all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
