if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
