I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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