I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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