now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
