i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
