Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
