I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
