I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
