3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
