What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
