Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
