She just used a chaser for red wine.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
God, I missed his penis.
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