I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
