i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
