a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
