I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
