I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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