Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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