yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
