I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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