i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
