The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
