i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
