u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
