Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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