Screwed.edu
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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