i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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