I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
