I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
