I puked a lego.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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