never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
