The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
