Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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