So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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