In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
